Hello folks! Happy Hump day? How are you doing?

We all have that one person (or several someones) in our lives—the one we keep hoping will change. Month after month, year after year, we love them, we care about them, we worry about them.

Have you ever found yourself explaining your tangled situation to someone—a therapist, a coach, a friend—and ending with, “How do I get them to change? If only they’d just do this one thing, everything would be so much easier.”

And the answer in every situation is the same: you can’t.

You can’t make somebody change. You can inspire them to change. You can educate them towards change. You can support them in their change.

But you can’t make them change.

Here’s where boundaries come in:

Boundaries are essential because they define where our influence ends and another person’s responsibility begins. When we try to change someone, even out of love or concern, we’re crossing that line. It’s a form of overreach—a violation of their personal autonomy—and it can lead to resentment, resistance, and frustration on both sides. Boundaries remind us that we’re each responsible for our own growth, our own choices, and that honoring this space is actually an act of respect.

Let’s dive into a sample, shall we?

Sarah is struggling with motivation, feeling like she’s going nowhere in life. Her well-intentioned sister, worried about her, jumps in to “fix” things. She lines up job interviews, sets up a budget, even leaves little motivational quotes all over her apartment. But instead of sparking motivation, it only makes Sarah feel more like a failure.

After all, if she were really capable, why would her sister feel the need to take over her life?

Instead of Sarah learning, “I’ve got this; I can change things,” she internalizes, “I’m someone who can’t handle my own life—I must be as hopeless as I thought.”

This is where attempts to “help” someone often have the opposite effect. You can’t push someone to find confidence, responsibility, or motivation, because by taking over, you chip away at their sense of control and self-worth. True change has to come from within. It has to feel like a decision they made, not one that’s handed to them. Real growth happens when people discover what’s right for themselves, on their own terms.

But how can you help people?

1. Lead by Example

Whenever you make a significant change, it creates a ripple effect for those around you. Let’s say you start prioritizing your health, hitting the gym, and cutting back on late nights. Suddenly, some friends might feel like you’re “outgrowing” them, or they wonder why you’re not out with them as much.

But every once in a while, one friend might look at what you’re doing and think, “Maybe I should take my health a bit more seriously, too,” and they start joining you at the gym. They make that shift not because you told them to quit the late nights, but because your choices spoke louder than words. By making your own change, you naturally became an example.

2. Instead of Giving Answers, Offer Better Questions

Once you see that offering up “solutions” can strip them of their own insight, the better approach is helping them ask thoughtful questions.

Instead of saying, “You should leave that toxic job,” you might ask, “What’s your ideal work environment?”

Instead of saying, “You need to cut ties with that friend,” try asking, “How do you feel after spending time with them?”

Instead of saying, “You really need to clean up your place,” try, “What kind of environment feels best for you?”

Asking thoughtful questions takes patience, care, and genuine attention. But that’s why it works. When you hire a therapist, coach essentially you’re paying for better questions—not easy answers. This can be frustrating for some because they expect clear solutions, but what they often get are questions designed to guide them toward their own.

3. Offer Help Without Strings Attached

This doesn’t mean you can never offer someone advice, but it’s important that the person seeks it on their own terms. There’s a big difference between, “Hey, I know what’s best for you,” and someone coming to you and asking, “What do you think is best for me?”

One approach respects their autonomy, while the other does not.

Often, the most supportive thing you can do is simply let someone know you’re there if they need you.

Sometimes, it can be even more personal. I remember a time when a friend was facing a breakup. Rather than telling her what she should or shouldn’t do, I shared a similar experience of mine and what helped me. It wasn’t about pushing her to see things my way, but simply offering my story so she could take whatever was helpful and leave the rest.

When we offer our stories in this way, they become valuable to others. It’s not advice; it’s perspective, letting the other person decide what to take from it. Their autonomy remains respected, their ability to choose for themselves preserved.

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